Accept responsibility

“There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.” Denis Waitley
As someone that’s been taught to value self-sufficiency and independence, this is something I fully agree with. And I needed to hear, like a little smack on the cheek from mom when she’s reminding you to do something you already know you need to do. I’ve been down the past week or two, and wallowing in self-pity.
I’m not happy, I need to change that. No one else knows what is going to make me happy. Actually I don’t even know what will make me happy. But no one else can figure it out if I can’t.

Pain/adversity make us appreciate pleasure

“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.” — Anne Bradstreet

Through pain and suffering we learn to appreciate life’s pleasures. I wonder if thats why people that have so little tend to say they are the happiest? While you constantly hear about rich people that take ungodly amounts of prescription drugs, drink, do outrageous things to get photographer’s attention. But does that really make them happy? Money can buy opportunity, but it can’t buy happiness.

If we don’t know what it means to go without, to want and yearn, to be bad, how can we value having something, being good or doing the right thing, achieving a goal? I guess when you (or I) are going though mental, emotional, financial hard times, it’s good to remember this, that without the darkness, we don’t see the light.

Balancing positive and negative

“Any fool can run towards the light. It takes a master with courage to turn and face the darkness and shine his own light there.” — Leslie Fieger

Our minds perceive and give relative value – positive and negative – to the different sides of a duality. We usually shun the negative. It’s important to know that you cannot eliminate the negative by focusing exclusively on the positive. Energetically, both opposites must remain in balance. Increase one and its opposite will also increase. Try to be only positive and the negative within you will raise its ugly head. We work with dualities by remembering that each is part of the whole. We must acknowledge and accept all aspects of life, because they all exist within us. And so, if we seek to be honest, we do so by acknowledging our potential to be dishonest. We can also bring in love and compassion when we catch ourselves acting out the negative. Power arises out of integrating the positive and negatives within us. From the tension that exists between the two, we develop awareness and become more conscious and compassionate.

Ugh, this is what I need to do. Personal growth and expansion is so difficult!

Hollow

Hell I said it before but right now I’m feeling untethered once again.
Being by myself is the hardest thing that I go through Or that I deal with. It’s my biggest struggle. To face my demons on my own, to be by myself, to not feel that I have someone that I can share anything with. And yet that’s where I find myself right now.
I know it I had a wonderful life with many friends that care about me, family that cares about me, but knowing that that person that I love more than anything, that I lost or that I let go of or that I pushed away – whatever it is that I did, that we did – knowing they’re not there and I don’t have it in my life is something that hurts me to an extent I can’t possibly share. It leaves me feeling harrowed and bare and vulnerable when everybody says that I’m strong. I’m not strong I just know what the right thing to do is, and can somehow always make myself do the right thing, no matter what my heart or my mind is screaming that I should do what I want to do. I can always be the good girl and do what I know the Right thing is. No matter how much it hurts me, how much pain it causes me.
Maybe it’s time for me to do something that feels good and that isn’t necessarily the right thing to do. Maybe that’s what the universe is telling me right now, be happy, don’t worry about what other people think.

Open yourself to the world

“We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversation with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk.” — Thomas Moore

I struggle with being open. A lot. Openly communicating with people, even people closest to me, is difficult. What if they don’t like what I say? I don’t want to tell them things that will upset them, or make them angry or sad.
Sometimes I don’t even be open with myself. Being honest with how I feel and what I want can be scary and I don’t want to admit that is how I truly feel or what I truly want. Admitting that I’m human, that what I sometimes think or feel are things I know I shouldn’t. I’ve been raised to think its wrong, or it doesn’t go along with what I *think* I should want or feel, with my own internal image of myself.
But hiding anything from yourself just makes you curl up into yourself, your shell. And eventually you turn against yourself, becoming your worst enemy. I made this mistake in my life many times unfortunately and it’s always sabotaged me and my relationships. I couldn’t always see that moment, that switch, when I would stop being open and start hiding things. It’s extremely scary to share with people those dark corners of your psyche, the things you don’t want to admit to yourself, much less tell another person. That level of honesty is exquisitely beautiful, when you find someone that you can share that openness with, that you can be that honest with. Then you have to try to keep it open and not let it go like I have. That’s the rub.
Maybe one day I’ll get there.

Think/Feel – Open yourself to the world

“We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversation with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk.” — Thomas Moore

I struggle with being open… A lot. Openly communicating with people, even people closest to me, is difficult. What if they don’t like what I say? I don’t want to tell them things that will upset them, or make them angry or sad.
Sometimes it’s hard to be open with myself. Being honest with how I feel and what I want can be scary and I don’t want to admit that this is how I truly feel or what I truly want. Admitting that I’m human, and human thoughts and feelings aren’t always pretty, that sometimes what I think or feel is something I know I shouldn’t think/feel, is a challenge. Especially because it doesn’t go with my own internal image of myself, that those wants/feelings are something I’ve been raised to think is wrong, go against my ideals, or it doesn’t go along with what I *think* I should want or feel. For instance, this literally went through my head at a cocktail party the other night when I met another very nice lady (who I enjoyed talking to for quite awhile) “I’m a strong, independant woman, I shouldn’t have a tiny, deeply hidden twinge of jealousy when I meet another woman who appears to be a very happy, well-off seemingly well-adjusted, housewife/stay-at-home-mom/woman-of-leisure. But wouldn’t it be nice to have your time completely at your disposal, with significant resources, without the concerns of ridiculous bosses, office politics, etc…. Wait, I shouldn’t feel this way, wouldn’t I get bored not having a job to tie myself to? Why would I want to rely on someone else for everything in life?” 

But hiding anything from yourself just makes you curl up into yourself, your shell. And eventually you turn against yourself, becoming your worst enemy. I made this mistake in my life many times unfortunately and it’s sabotaged me.  And my relationships. I couldn’t always see that moment, that switch, when I would stop being open and start hiding things. It’s extremely scary to share with people those dark corners of your psyche, the things you don’t want to admit to yourself, much less tell another person. That level of honesty is exquisitely beautiful, when you find someone that you can share the openness with, that you can be that honest with. Then you have to try to keep it open and not let it go. That’s the part I can’t quite seem to get, keeping the openness alive. There’s always a moment when the fear of that connection, that open link directly to your heart, your soul, your identity, the massive amount of trust it requires, all the things that could cut you deeper than the bone, rears its ugly head. And just looking that fear in its bright red pulsating eye, saying ‘I could get hurt in a way that will completely tear me apart, rip my heart out, tear my soul to shreds, but I’ll take that on gladly’… that’s something I haven’t been able to get to and sustain.   

Maybe one day I’ll get there. Hopefully 🙂 

I don’t understand valentine’s day

While I am a hopeless romantic, I find the Valentine’s day “holiday”….perplexing. Why do you need a specific day to tell a loved one (of whatever type of love it is) that you do, in fact, love them? If you truly love somebody – lover, boy/girlfriend, significant other, the “I-don’t-really-know-what-we-are-but-you-rock-my-world” person, friend, husband/wife, family – tell them every single opportunity you can. Every day is filled with those magical moments that make you feel affectionate, loving, loved, tender, compassionate, exhilirated, phenomenally alive, like you’re 16 and every cell of your body is glowing vibrantly in tune with this love you feel, with the universe.

Seriously, that person could get in a car wreck, be in a freak killer bee accident, bit by a rabid bat, hit by a tractor, or whatever other random thing you see on the news every night. I understand that work, frustration…life gets in the way, and for those reasons its a nice reminder. But with all the things that go on every day in the world, do we need to be reminded by Hallmark Inc. on a specific day to say, “By the way, my actions don’t always show it, but I love you…”
To all my friends, loved ones, family, and undefinable people in my life, even the stranger with the beautiful smile I momentarily fall in love with as I pass by… I hope you realize the love every single day.

Sorry, I’ll get down off my soapbox now.

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