Think/Feel – Open yourself to the world

“We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversation with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk.” — Thomas Moore

I struggle with being open… A lot. Openly communicating with people, even people closest to me, is difficult. What if they don’t like what I say? I don’t want to tell them things that will upset them, or make them angry or sad.
Sometimes it’s hard to be open with myself. Being honest with how I feel and what I want can be scary and I don’t want to admit that this is how I truly feel or what I truly want. Admitting that I’m human, and human thoughts and feelings aren’t always pretty, that sometimes what I think or feel is something I know I shouldn’t think/feel, is a challenge. Especially because it doesn’t go with my own internal image of myself, that those wants/feelings are something I’ve been raised to think is wrong, go against my ideals, or it doesn’t go along with what I *think* I should want or feel. For instance, this literally went through my head at a cocktail party the other night when I met another very nice lady (who I enjoyed talking to for quite awhile) “I’m a strong, independant woman, I shouldn’t have a tiny, deeply hidden twinge of jealousy when I meet another woman who appears to be a very happy, well-off seemingly well-adjusted, housewife/stay-at-home-mom/woman-of-leisure. But wouldn’t it be nice to have your time completely at your disposal, with significant resources, without the concerns of ridiculous bosses, office politics, etc…. Wait, I shouldn’t feel this way, wouldn’t I get bored not having a job to tie myself to? Why would I want to rely on someone else for everything in life?” 

But hiding anything from yourself just makes you curl up into yourself, your shell. And eventually you turn against yourself, becoming your worst enemy. I made this mistake in my life many times unfortunately and it’s sabotaged me.  And my relationships. I couldn’t always see that moment, that switch, when I would stop being open and start hiding things. It’s extremely scary to share with people those dark corners of your psyche, the things you don’t want to admit to yourself, much less tell another person. That level of honesty is exquisitely beautiful, when you find someone that you can share the openness with, that you can be that honest with. Then you have to try to keep it open and not let it go. That’s the part I can’t quite seem to get, keeping the openness alive. There’s always a moment when the fear of that connection, that open link directly to your heart, your soul, your identity, the massive amount of trust it requires, all the things that could cut you deeper than the bone, rears its ugly head. And just looking that fear in its bright red pulsating eye, saying ‘I could get hurt in a way that will completely tear me apart, rip my heart out, tear my soul to shreds, but I’ll take that on gladly’… that’s something I haven’t been able to get to and sustain.   

Maybe one day I’ll get there. Hopefully 🙂 

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