Getting lost

P193

Let’s find someplace beautiful to get lost

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The Universe provides, the Dude abides

I believe that people are brought into your life for a reason.  There are people that have something that you need to learn from them, and when you need them they will appear in your life. And whatever they have to teach you, you also have something to teach them. 

I met someone a few months ago that I feel was brought into my life for this reason.  I was at a very vulnerable moment when I met this person, and they were kind, caring, genuine, and made me feel alive again. I had a very strong positive gut reaction upon meeting this person, which hadn’t happened in a very long time. I truly believe that they were brought into my life at that moment for a reason, and they have something very important to teach me.  I just wasn’t sure what it was…

This person is going to teach me to be alone. And be happy about it.  I’m typically a pretty happy person, but have been unhappy for a long time. Being alone is especially difficult for me, and makes me very unhappy, prone to depression and loneliness. I know its odd that I think someone else is going to teach me to be alone, but after a recent conversation I really believe that.  

My friend told me that as a kid, being alone was normal, and they were happy to be alone and didn’t have a lot of friends, socializing was very difficult.  This didn’t make them happy as a teenager, and it was something that needed to be changed.  At some point in time, my friend came to the realization that the unhappiness of being alone was more powerful than the fear or awkwardness of getting out of the comfort zone, socializing, putting yourself out there to meet new people. If you’re already unhappy, what do you have to lose by getting out of your comfort zone?

I find it ironic, I think this person and I are 2 sides of the same coin. I didn’t have problems making friends as a child, but no matter how many friends I had, I still tended to feel lonely. I struggle with being alone a lot now.  I think its because I’m not happy to be on my own, I want to be around people. My friend is going to teach me to be alone and be happy about it.  Which will be exceptionally difficult and scary.  But is most likely something that I need to feel, face, and grow from.  Its going to be a fun path! 

 

Go your own way

What does it mean to be truly happy?  How do you know what really makes you happy?  

I thought I was happy for a long time, but now in hindsight I realize that I wasn’t. So now my question is, what really makes me happy?  What is it that makes me content, and how do you really recognize it?  How do you know something makes you “happy” only because it quiets the unhappiness? I don’t know if the things I think make me happy just soothe the restlessness and distract me from the things I don’t want, the things that scare me.

One of the things that I have the most difficulty with is being alone. Loneliness.  Other people are content to be alone, they don’t need other people to make them happy. I am not one of them. I’m so not one of them that I think I take it almost to the opposite side of the spectrum. I’m not a social butterfly, but I’m rarely alone.  I have a small group of very, very close friends that I am often with and I’ve relied upon them a lot in the past several months.  But when I am alone, I’m not alone with my thoughts, I distract myself with TV, movies, etc. Being alone scares me, I am very easily thrown into a deep depression when I’m by myself. I will feel very sorry for myself, not the greatest quality I know.  

It makes me realize that I look outward too much. I want external approval and praise, I go with the flow because I don’t want to be alone.  I was in a relationship that started out so amazing, but I let that fear of being alone, rejection, overcome me.  And I did a lot of things, went along with a lot of things – just let them happen when I knew I shouldn’t- because I was afraid of being alone.  Feeling unloved and being lonely.  I have the feeling the people that know me would never think that I feel this way, but I can be very good at hiding my true feelings to get what I want.  

I wonder why I have to look outside myself for those things to fulfill me? What makes me so scared to be by myself?  What prevents me from having the courage to just go my own way?  I need to sit with that thought, and be uncomfortable with it, figure it out.  Look into the abyss and take in the emptiness that is down there. Take that scared little kid sitting in the corner and figure out why they’re there and trying so hard to keep me from being happy. Find my own, true path. Maybe I’m terrified of disappointing other people. Or myself.

It makes me feel very selfish and self-centered to say I need to focus so much on me, do all these things for myself. 

The strange thing is that I have no idea if anyone even reads this other than me.   But it makes me feel so much better to just get it out of my head, not have this thought banging around against the confines of my skull. Free. It cracks the candy coated shell of my heart just a teeny bit more, soothes my soul, to be released. Writing this brings tears to my eyes that I have to fight back because I’m at work right now (but I had to get this out so I wouldn’t go crazy), but I know it will make me better and stronger. And happier. 

 

Let your intuition be your guide…

“Let your intuition be your guide.  Your heart knows what it wants, and you can trust it to lead you in the right direction.” 

There are so many cliches that say to listen to you heart, follow your heart, let your heart lead the way…  

What happens when you can’t tell your head from your heart?  

When the direction from your heart is so caught up in the thought process that you can’t find that real voice deep inside.  That racing and spinning of all your thoughts, other people’s thoughts and opinions, those subconscious opinions you have from your childhood & family, the mores that you don’t necessarily think for yourself, but that you believe because that’s what you were brought up to believe, the impressions and ideals and desires and shame that are pressed upon you by others. Not to mention all your fears, doubts, hopes, and dreams. How do you tell those whirring thoughts from that soft, deep voice that tells you what you truly deeply want in your heart?  How do you know its not leading you in the wrong direction? Making the wrong decision can be so deceptively easy.  

I want so desperately to find my path, to know where I’m going, know I’m doing something right. I just want to find that voice, but can’t sort it out from all the other cockroach thoughts that rustle around in the depths of the mind, unseen, unwanted, but still there plaguing you.  It feels like my heart has been trapped in a little glass case for a long time, paralyzed, searching for freedom in all the wrong places, and its about to burst. So much yearning to be had, so much love diffrayed.  Sometimes its so frustrating it makes me cry.

When is that moment you surrender? Can’t take anymore doubt and overthinking and break down.

How do you quiet those unneccesary and misleading thoughts and just find the true ones that are pointing you in the right direction?  

Choose love

You are not separate from what you want or who you love. Choose the loving path & more will be given to give away.

Push yourself beyond your past

“People spend too much time finding other people to blame, too much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past, and getting on with their lives.” — J. Michael Straczynski

We all want to be our best and push ourselves to grow, but also let life get in the way. We let those little annoyances and things get in the way of achieving our goals and moving beyond our past, growing. It’s so easy to blame work, family, kids, errands, pets, whatever.
But we all know the blame really lies with ourselves.
To really grow we have to look really deeply into ourselves and look at where we need to push ourselves to grow, be kind to ourselves to grow, and when we need to recognize that we don’t know what to do.

Jumping down the rabbit hole

What do you do when you’re falling into a situation that you know isn’t going to make you happy in the end? It’s most likely going to end up hurting you. but you still want to fall anyway? How do you know that the experience is still worth the pain?
I guess you can’t know or sure that it’s worth it, you have to make a leap of faith and hope you can make the best of it.

I hope and pray that I can let go of the negativity and bad past habits and just enjoy the ride.

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