Go your own way

What does it mean to be truly happy?  How do you know what really makes you happy?  

I thought I was happy for a long time, but now in hindsight I realize that I wasn’t. So now my question is, what really makes me happy?  What is it that makes me content, and how do you really recognize it?  How do you know something makes you “happy” only because it quiets the unhappiness? I don’t know if the things I think make me happy just soothe the restlessness and distract me from the things I don’t want, the things that scare me.

One of the things that I have the most difficulty with is being alone. Loneliness.  Other people are content to be alone, they don’t need other people to make them happy. I am not one of them. I’m so not one of them that I think I take it almost to the opposite side of the spectrum. I’m not a social butterfly, but I’m rarely alone.  I have a small group of very, very close friends that I am often with and I’ve relied upon them a lot in the past several months.  But when I am alone, I’m not alone with my thoughts, I distract myself with TV, movies, etc. Being alone scares me, I am very easily thrown into a deep depression when I’m by myself. I will feel very sorry for myself, not the greatest quality I know.  

It makes me realize that I look outward too much. I want external approval and praise, I go with the flow because I don’t want to be alone.  I was in a relationship that started out so amazing, but I let that fear of being alone, rejection, overcome me.  And I did a lot of things, went along with a lot of things – just let them happen when I knew I shouldn’t- because I was afraid of being alone.  Feeling unloved and being lonely.  I have the feeling the people that know me would never think that I feel this way, but I can be very good at hiding my true feelings to get what I want.  

I wonder why I have to look outside myself for those things to fulfill me? What makes me so scared to be by myself?  What prevents me from having the courage to just go my own way?  I need to sit with that thought, and be uncomfortable with it, figure it out.  Look into the abyss and take in the emptiness that is down there. Take that scared little kid sitting in the corner and figure out why they’re there and trying so hard to keep me from being happy. Find my own, true path. Maybe I’m terrified of disappointing other people. Or myself.

It makes me feel very selfish and self-centered to say I need to focus so much on me, do all these things for myself. 

The strange thing is that I have no idea if anyone even reads this other than me.   But it makes me feel so much better to just get it out of my head, not have this thought banging around against the confines of my skull. Free. It cracks the candy coated shell of my heart just a teeny bit more, soothes my soul, to be released. Writing this brings tears to my eyes that I have to fight back because I’m at work right now (but I had to get this out so I wouldn’t go crazy), but I know it will make me better and stronger. And happier. 



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