I really just want to hold you in my arms, but can’t right now, and don’t know of you feel the same way. And that makes me feel hollow.


Rolling in the Deep

I went caving last weekend. Not walking into a large open cavern that happens to be underground.  Walking into a fairly small hole in the ground where I couldn’t stand up completely, having to free fall down a rock face, only a single light attached to a helmet, black pits you can’t see the bottom of on either side of you… 

Fears I overcame: 

Going someplace with people I don’t really know – I hate to go places, anywhere really, without people I know or by myself.  Even in town, I don’t go to places or events if I don’t have a friend to go with.  I realize that’s pretty common, but it really bothers me.  I had a friend that convinced me to go, but she wasn’t going.  I had met 2 of the people that were going once or twice before.  But I didn’t really know anyone. That was a pretty big step for me personally.

I’m not afraid of heights, but looking down into a black hole that you can’t see the bottom of is scary whether you’re afraid of heights or not. Having limited places to step, most of which are over large holes that you can’t see the bottom of, and you imagine the black pit of despair… is a scary prospect when all you have to rely on are your boots and your hands.

Being scared of the dark.  I know its silly and childish, but I’m scared of the dark.  I have a very overactive imagination.  Walking in the night in the middle of the country, hearing all sorts of animals hooting and howling, knowing that there’s so many more animals that I *can’t* hear… makes my overactive imagination go into overdrive.  Every step I imagine that there’s a mountain lion, wolf, bear or even a serial killer right behind me, and I can’t see or hear them… is terrifying.  Camping in the middle of nowhere, not even 50 miles north of Mexico, made sleeping and getting up to go to the bathroom after dark very scary.   

Not being able to see what’s coming. Going down into a cave, in the dark, with only a single light attached to my helmet.  Not knowing what’s coming at the next turn, or being able to see very much around me other than what is right in front of me… that scares me on both a very real physical level, and also on a mental level, not knowing what things await me at the next step. And knowing there’s a very small passage to leave the enormous rooms.  It was an interesting dichotomy. 

When we reached one particularly large room with a big rock that all of us could sit on, we all rested and turned off our lights.  It was very dark, more black than anything I’ve ever experienced. And I sat there in the dark, not able to see my hand an inch from my face, completely encompassed by the soft velvety darkness. And I wasn’t scared.  

 It was a lot for me to get through mentally and emotionally.  But I did it, I’m very proud of myself.  Walking into an unknown that particularly scares me, overcoming some things that have terrified me my entire life, getting out of my comfort zone.  And discovering that some fears aren’t always as difficult to get over as you think they are. 



Growing and sitting in discomfort

I’ve been going through a lot of thinking and analyzing lately.  There are several aspects of my life that I’m not happy with at the moment, both professional and personal. I’m trying to figure out what I want from my professional life, what I want and need in my personal life, what path I want to take, what makes me happy. I’ve struggled with it a lot.  I’ve been a basket case, happy and confident one minute, feeling vulnerable, hopeless, depressed the next. Its been one of the hardest times in my life. I’ve faced a lot of fears, every experience is pulling me out of my comfort zone.  I’m so far out of the shell, my comfort zone seems like its Pluto! Being alone is extremely hard, it would be so, so easy to attach myself to someone, lose myself in a friend or a lover.  But then I’ll most likely just end up right back here at some point in my future, won’t I? 

In Yin yoga they tell you that when you get to that point where you want to move and feel like you can’t hold it any longer, that urge to fidget, twitch, or adjust… you don’t.  

You stay.

And you breathe.  

That’s where you’re doing the most work.  When you get to that edge where just feel like you can’t take anymore, that urge to unwind and get out of the pose is when you’re doing yourself the most good.  That’s when you grow. 

When you look those fears and demons dead in the eye … and you stay … and you breathe… they have no power over you. 

I’m hoping that this part of my life is the discomfort that I have to go through to get to the other side. Through the pain and the trials and the tribulations comes the growth. I’m hoping that sitting here, with these demons I’m looking at right now, that staying with them and not taking the easy route of losing myself in something, will set me on the right path. 

The Art of Reinvention

What is the difference between being alone and being lonely?  Some people feel exhilirated by being alone, others feel despair.  Some people view every time they walk into a restaurant, store, bar, or party by themselves as an opportunity to be whoever they want to be that day. To reinvent themselves each time they walk into a new place. Other people feel every time you walk into a new place by yourself, you are vulnerable, exposed and alone. No one has your back.

I think I like the thought that you can reinvent yourself. Its an opportunity to become that person that you see yourself as.  Not the person everyone expects you to be.  

Who do I want to be this year? 


Alone vs, loneliness

I have never been alone a day in my life, and yet why is all that I feel loneliness?

If I define my experience, why do I feel so alone when I am physically and electronically surrounded by people that love me?

Define your experience

“My experience is solely what I choose to attend to” William James.

Great quote from class tonight. If you want more joy, love, compassion, laughter…attend to that. Don’t pay attention to those things that don’t bring you the positive things you want in your life.

Emotional Roulette

There are days when being on your own can feel like a bottomless abyss of loneliness is opening up before you.  There are days when being alone, away from the world and all your responsibilities, can feel like an escape, a guilty pleasure.  And there are other times when being by yourself feels like a chance to be productive, think about things, take a deep breath from whatever life is throwing at you. 

And you never know how you will feel each day. 

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