What I really want…?

What I really want is to connect.  My head with my heart, because they feel like they’re orbiting completmentary but opposite each other right now; with myself; with my purpose in life; with other people. I also know I have to find myself, get an idea of what I really want, before I can truly connect with other people. You have to love yourself and make yourself happy before you can share that happiness with other people. That is the big point that’s tripping me up. I know that finding yourself, getting in touch with yourself, is a lifelong journey.  However, at this point in time, I feel like I’m not on the path, not even in the sidelines.  I’m standing in the shadows, lost and not knowing where to go. Putting in the time and energy, going through all the dark recesses of your psyche to deal with your baggage… is time consuming and painful. Meking myself do that without an external push has been extremely difficult. I’m working on it in fits and starts, but still haven’t really gotten into the groove of it.  

I’ve also realized that the thing I want most is the thing that I’m most scared to do. (Isn’t that the way it always is though?)  The things you want the most involve the most risk. There is the highest risk of rejection, of failure, of success and happiness. I’m terribly scared of actually connecting, letting people see the real me.  What if they don’t like me?  Will they judge me?  Not accept me?  I know these are common fears that most people face.  Then again, most people aren’t in my head, experiencing it the way I do. I want to belong to something, feel that sense of community, but I’m scared to put myself out there and actually let people see me. My entire life I’ve yearned for that sense of belonging, and its finally coming to a head at this point, when I can figure it out on my own. 

For the past 9 months, every single thing seems like its been a challenge.  Nothing has come easy. Each day was a roller coaster, I would wake up and feel light, happy, energized, optimistic.  But was never able to maintain that feeling due to the external forces and pressures of everyday life. Today I feel like I might be starting to move in the right direction.     


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