Femininity vs. Masculinity and your deepest desires

I had an interesting conversation with a friend the other day. We were talking about what things we desire out of a relationship, both physically and emotionally, what things our partners do to make us feel a certain way.  It was interesting because when you talk about what you ‘desire’ it automatically seems physical.  While that was part of the conversation, it was mostly mental/emotional.  I realized some things that I regret. 

One of the things that I recently realized that I desire is to not have to be tough, to be sweet and kind. I’m so tired of being tough and strong. I associate those things with masculinity, being tough.  At my day job, I don’t feel I can be very girly or feminine. I have to be smart and analytical and logical and tough to be taken seriously. I have to suppress any sexuality, essentially being asexual, in my job. I don’t think that’s a positive or holistic way to live your life.  And I think that has spread out into other areas of my life. I desire to let the femininity take over completely, let go of the masculinity.  Let someone else have the masculinity completely overtake them, and then those two opposites come together. Like yin and yang I guess.  I’m not trying to say that being feminine means being not being strong or tough, I know some very strong women.

My friend responded that he loved unbridled, unashamed femininity.  This open femininity strengthens and masculinizes him.  The two opposites meeting and melding and playing off each other. The openness and intimacy and trust are what makes him feel very masculine. When a woman trusts him that he will hold her heart sacred for what it is, that he won’t abuse or toy with her emotions, it allows him to fully express his own desire and masculinity.  That in those two opposites they are completely present, mentally, physically, emotionally.  And she gives herself to him completely, just like he gives himself to her completely, letting the joy and playfulness of two open, loving hearts that are unafraid of judgment or rejection fulfill them.. His significant other is a lucky woman.  The give and take of the two opposites, and letting those opposites take you, are what make us feel energized.  

When we were talking about this, it made me so sad to realize that there was a person that I love very deeply, who desperately wanted this, and I was too scared to give him that.  Too scared to let go of the toughness that I had accumulated and had become such a part of my professional life. I was scared that by giving in to that desire, I would lose myself.  In the end I lost myself anyway. I literally felt my heart sinking when I realized this. I’m so sorry I couldn’t do this, in a way I can’t possibly convey. 

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